Zombieland Rules for Preppers

Not actually Erin.

Picture by KJ Photography

& is used with permission.

Yes, this is a couple days late for Halloween. My apologies; it's been a rough week for a lot of us, which explains why we had no posts on Tuesday or Thursday and why mine is late.

But hopefully it's still somewhat " 'tis the spooky season" this weekend, and in that spirit I give you a somewhat-serious take on the Zombieland rules of survival and how they can be applied to preppers for all sorts of apocalypses.



Rule #1: Cardio
Being in shape is important, although I would suggest more than just cardio exercise. Most Americans need to lose about 30 pounds, myself included, and not only would that make us lighter and faster but it will also increase our lifespan. Furthermore, in disasters and emergencies we may need to lift, move or carry something heavy in order to save lives, so being strong and healthy allows us to do that and also protects us from injury (see #18, below).

Every prepper should be able to do at least one push-up and one pull-up, and be able to sprint 100 yards without getting winded.

Rule #2: Double Tap

In the context of the movies this is meant to illustrate the concept of "If you need to kill something, take the extra time to ensure that it's truly dead instead of just wounded." This can apply in various situations from ethical hunting (if you wounded an animal, follow it and put it out of its misery quickly rather than letting it suffer) to self defense (shoot until the threat is neutralized and never shoot to wound). 

Important Disclaimer: If you do shoot someone in self defense, NEVER perform a coup-de-grace. That's a good way to get yourself arrested, charged, and convicted for murder. 

Rule #2 (Deleted Scene): Ziploc Bags

Weatherproofing is important, especially for supplies which can be spoiled by exposure to moisture. Food, ammunition, and fire starting supplies like matches and tinder all need to be kept dry. You need to keep dry, too, because being wet leads to being cold which can lead to hypothermia. 

Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms

When you're using the restroom, you are uniquely vulnerable: your pants are literally down and you typically don't have another way out. If there's only one way in and you're cornered, then you have to get past an assailant in order to escape. However, people do need to use the toilet, so in situations where you feel you might be in danger when using the bathroom, utilize the buddy system (see below). 

Rule #4: Seatbelts

Use all protective gear available to you, because prevention is the best cure. 

Rule #6 (Promotional Video): Cast Iron Skillet

Not shown in the movie but rather in a series of promos for the movie. While the video suggests it as an weapon, I take it as a reminder that we are surrounded by tools which can be repurposed for different tasks. Don't forget to improvise!

Rule #7: Travel Light

When you have to evacuate, don't let your preps weigh you down. Getting to safety alive is preferable to dying with all your stuff. 

Rule #12 (Promotional Video): Bounty Paper Towels

Hygiene is important for health (especially in a situation involving infection materials) as well as happiness.

Rule #15 (Promotional Video): Bowling Ball

Need to throw something? Just use a little ingenuity to make it easier. Use gravity to help you whenever possible. 

Rule #17: Don't Be a Hero

This rule applies in both interpretations. Sometimes it's necessary to risk your life to save others, especially if they're loved ones, but remember that you can't help anyone if you're trapped, injured, unconscious or dead. Don't take foolish risks!

Rule #18: Limber Up

If you need to move something heavy, or if you suspect you'll need to run hard, it makes sense to take a few moments to limber up. Soft-tissue injuries like pulled muscles suck on normal days; during an emergency they could mean the difference between death and survival. 

Rule #29 (Promotional Video): The Buddy System

You'll end up being vulnerable at some point; we all need to sleep and use the bathroom. Have a trusted friend (or more) watch out for you while you rest, clean yourself, etc. 

Rule #31: Check the Back Seat

Looking behind you on a regular basis is a habit all people ought to cultivate. In the military this is known as "Checking your six". 

Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things

Morale is critically important during an emergency or disaster; a fatalistic mindset can result in fatalities. When possible and when it's safe, take time to do something fun to raise spirits and remind you that there's something to live for at the end of all this. 

Rule #33 (Promotional Video): Swiss Army Knife

I actually don't much care for the Swiss Army Knife as I feel it doesn't do anything well and does many things badly. However, never underestimate the value of a good multitool, like a Leatherman. 

Rule #52: Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

This is from the new movie, Zombieland: Double Tap,  which I haven't seen yet but hope to see this weekend. In many ways it's a restatement of #29, but it's also a reminder that human beings will respond to cries for help. In fact, emergencies tend to bring out the best in people, so form a group and get things done.  

If there are any more rules in the new movie (and there ought to be) I'll list them in a follow-up article!