I’ve
written about interpersonal communication for this blog previously. Rather than focusing on conflict resolution as a specific skill, this time I’d like to address negotiation skills as a way to help people deal with each other.
“Diplomacy is
the art of being able to say “nice doggie” until you have time to
pick up a rock.” – Will Rogers
This quote reflects a fundamental truth: that diplomacy is a way to change relative advantage between two parties. While Roger’s quip makes it easy to understand that the “dog” needs to be mollified until the person saying “nice doggy” has attained a position of power, not all negotiations are inherently win/lose or advantage/disadvantage; some are win/win and some are lose/lose.
Sometimes the interest of both parties is to gain something for themselves because the other has it, which can result in a trade and both parties go away happy. Sometimes the interest of both parties is to build a relationship that benefits both parties, which can result in an agreement and both parties become more prosperous. And sometimes, one of the parties desires a position of advantage that is disadvantageous to the other party; this is pretty dangerous, as the difference between begging, mugging, and murder is only how far the party seeking advantage is willing to go to get what you have.
Civilization is
built on trade, and trade is built on negotiation. Negotiation is both an art and a science in that doing it well requires experience as
well as an application of the appropriate technique or style to the
problem at hand. Listed below are some of the skills and techniques.
Separate the People from the Problem
People are
emotional beings, and often have irrational belief systems and
behaviors. But people are also generally creative, so when you open
up negotiations with something like, “You want something, I want
something, are you willing to think about options where we both get
what we want?” you may be able to separate the person from the
problem and come to a place of mutual benefit.
Some people cannot do
this, or if they try they cannot keep it up for very long. The band Fleetwood Mac makes a lot of money every reunion tour, but the
relationship between the band and Lindsey Buckingham is a good
example of the person being the problem.
If you can get
the emotions out of problem solving, it's easier to solve the
problem. This can take some patience, as logical, rational thought is
not a native thinking style for everyone, but with enough
brainstorming something can usually be worked out. The danger here
is that you have to negotiate in good faith, be honest about what
you want, and trust the other side to be honest about what they want
in their own self-interest. The book
Getting to Yes covers this technique in depth.
Using Your BATNA
BATNA stands for Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. This means that if you
can’t come to a settlement where you achieve what you want, or
enough of what you want, then you are completely valid in creating an
alternative that doesn’t involve the other party to negotiation.
When a person is the problem, whether through behavior, belief,
mental illness, or personality, you need to separate yourself from
the problem. On social media this can be as simple as muting, blocking,
or unfriending; in real life, sometimes this means enforcing your
personal sovereignty and letting someone know they are not welcome in
your life as long as they remain a problem.
If the other party says “Until you stop
that heathen sinning you can’t be my friend! Stop that heathen
sinning to gain my friendship!” as part of a
traditional give/take negotiation strategy, then you saying “I am who I am. My heathen sinning is not hurting you, only your sensibilities. I am
not willing to give up my heathen sinning to gain the friendship of
someone willing to give or withhold friendship as a manipulative
act.” is a perfectly rational response. Here, “heathen sinning”
is just a cover for any sort of moral behavior that someone might
object to such as drinking, smoking, atheism, etc. If you reach a
point where you and the other party cannot generate options where you
get what you want from the negotiation, exit out if that is an
option. Sad to say, sometimes the only power you have
left is to leave.
Favor and Ledger
Doing favors,
lending a hand, and generally being a decent human being are things
that are a form of “social currency.” In normal times, having a
lot of social currency is a good thing. However if times are not
normal, people can easily forget all that social currency you have
built up in the past and say “Times have changed, none of that
matters now.” My rule of thumb on this is that if I have the ability
to do good, I should do good if it does not come with serious risk. This can be an act of
kindness to help them on their way that costs me a little time and
effort, such as towing someone out of a ditch or snowdrift. However, when someone asks for concrete resources
(lending/giving money, equipment, etc.), it is much harder for me to
say “yes” as that increases the risk to my family.
As long as you recognize that you may never get in return all the
favors you’ve given, this negotiating skill can come in handy if
you are dealing with people who feel a deep enough sense of
obligation to pay back the favor, but if you owe someone a favor,
honoring that when it would seriously disadvantage you is a risk you
run. Additionally, if everyone in your area bugs out, you might not have
anyone around to call in a favor. This negotiating skill
does raise your social currency, though, and that is an important thing to
have in any community.
Haggling and Bartering
Preppers are
generally a skillful and crafty lot, but most Americans are not well
versed in haggling for prices or bartering. Some don’t even
entertain it, and simply post the price of things and that’s that. But
if you are married, you haggle all the time with your spouse: “If
you do the dishes I’ll clean the gutters” or “If you clean the
house I’ll hire a sitter and we can have a date night.” This is
easy because you both have a pretty good idea of what the other
person wants (or you will at some point), and it feels
natural and playful sometimes. That sense of play is key to haggling,
because if you make it a game that you don’t have to win it can be
fun, and bartering to trade a basket of tomatoes for fresh
bread and some hard cheese might not feel so uncomfortable.
Some People Are Better Than Others
If you are
someone who has charisma and the gift of gab, you may be a born
negotiator. If you know someone in your tribe who has these
gifts, then working with them to negotiate on your behalf or on
behalf of the tribe is a smart move. Arm them with all the knowledge
of what they are authorized to offer, what you all need to gain or
achieve, so that they can use their charm and charisma to the best
extent.
Understand that “charisma” isn’t what makes a great
leader, but is something that helps make a great negotiator. Wisdom,
intelligence, and experience are things that make a great leader,
although they need at least a smattering of charisma if they are to
keep a group of people working together.
Closing
Thoughts
There are a lot
of books out there on negotiating styles, theories, and frameworks.
This post barely scratches the surface of the subject, but has
hopefully been food for thought. I do hope that the next time you
find yourself negotiating with someone you find yourself a little
better at it, even if you end up doing the dishes to get what you
want.
